CLOSET ALCOHOLIC.

2008-10-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

"Don't let your friends tell you you're as good as single"

Do you want me to come at all?

I'm having second thoughts. I don't see the rationale behind travelling halfway around the world for you.
And not for him.

And I certainly do not know why I was looking forward to it. I even crafted an elaborate lie to hide my travel plans.

I'm too rash. I'm too impulsive.
And one day, when I finally wake up from this heartaching nightmare, I'll hate myself so much more.
This, I don't look forward to.

Though it'd be real nice to be enlightened someday, I just hope it's not too late.

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I miss you.

2008-09-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

"When I said I love you, darling, that means for good."

I'm sorry.
I never meant to hurt you.

I wish God would give me a sign, to tell me whether my decision is right or wrong, so I can make amendments. I'm really sorry.

I still love you.
This I swear.

2008-09-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

"What I remember of that night"

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

Thank you. You're amazing.
I wish...

You don't have to go.

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Sport, Art, and Music.
Till we meet again.

2008-08-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

"My issues cannot be overcome"

I just can't let go of you and the memories we had together. I will miss you. I almost want to kill him/them so as to prevent you from leaving. But I also want you to be happy...

Motherfucker.

To say the least, O-Week was fun. Felle is such an amazing person, and I'm sorry we didn't try at all.

2008-07-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

"A person of your calibre"

I don't understand why you can't just let it go. Raszee is happy with his current job. He just got a promotion, an increment, and he's happy. Just because you can't work here anymore doesn't mean you should stop the good things from coming his way. Stop trying to poach him over to your lousy franchise line.
Thai Express my fluffy arse.
I don't understand why you can't understand that he should stay here in Highlander. Stop it.
He's happy. Let him be.

And you better return my cash by the end of this month or you shall never hear the end of me.
Fuckface.
I thought you were better than this.

2008-07-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

"You want a piece of me?"

Recently, I've just been soaking myself in vodka, rum and tequila hoping that I can wash my problems away. Like putting a clean towel in a pile of dirty laundry, I've just been absorbing all the shit that flew my way these past few days. I'm exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

There's this baggage that I can't let go of, no matter how hard I try. I've become so fucking close to my colleagues these 6 months at Highlander that I feel a part of me break away everytime someone leaves for good. Mikael had a most unfortunate termination. Then there was hope that Mikael was coming back. Then Jerome refused to give him a second chance. Now, Toni has followed suit. These two people have made my time at Highlander greater than fantastic, and I never once felt like I was actually working when they were around.
Good things never last long.
These days are over.

I am devastated.

Now, Fadly is starting to feel like an awesome friend annd colleague. But he mentioned his days are numbered. Because of Syaiful.
But whatever the issue is, I think I am going to lose yet another worthy friend.

It's just the nature of the job.
There's a dark side to everything, I guess.

Before you know it, I am the one who has no choice but to leave. And all for a stupid reason - varsity. It's all fucked up. I don't want to leave Highlander behind, I love the place. I love my boss, I love my colleagues, I love my time there. I have to, but I will not give up without a fight.
My name is not Mikael, my name is not Toni, my name is Rachel. I am going to be around. Not as often, but still around.

I miss Jensen too. Which reminds me, I WISH ANIL WOULD FUCKING RETURN MY $250 THAT HE FUCKING BORROWED FROM ME. FUCK.

Alright, this is starting to sound like a pre-menstral rant, which is not the case at all.

I'm going to watch my marijuana grow in my garden now. See you all next lifetime, Rachel is going to kill herself in the first week of school.
And she still has no clue as to when school is starting.

2008-06-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

"Liahkim"

What we had is now over. Left with me are some memories I will never forget.

I tried.
I failed.

It's gone and done with.

Michael Learns to Rock - That's Why You Go Away
"I won't forget the way you're kissing..."

This song.

The one wednesday night at Arena:

2008-05-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't have loved Highlander this much if it weren't for you guys. I love you, Kim and Ira.

2008-05-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

"Some things should never be defined."

I feel helpless and confused. I'm torn inside. I have many conflicting thoughts and emotions which add to my burden of making the decision.
I'm in a position.
I wish nothing happened. I wish something happened. I wish for answers, clarity and serenity.
I wish for my heart and mind to be at peace, and to forget the things I cannot change. I want to accept and embrace what I have and give up the things that are not meant to be mine.

I must learn to accept that I, as a morally upright human being, cannot have 'the best of both worlds'.

I am not teddy bear or baby hulk. I am bullshit. An eating disorder waiting to happen. I am obesity in female form. Fat and morbid.

Rachel, be happy. Live happy, and have faith.

2008-04-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

"China One, Here We Come"

On Saturday night, I had a blast. Watched Harold and Kumar: Guantanamo Bay with Jed, Thad, Elyas, Gordon, and some Keith guy. The movie was fucking funny. I hated White Castle but this one owned it all.

After which, we were at China One doing Flaming Lamborghinis, Waterfalls, Green Devils and Beers. Marianne and Greg joined us after awhile. The time spent at China One was time fucking well spent. Haven't had that much fun with this group of people ever. Try it once, do it more. And maybe someday, we'll bring the party over to Highlander where the flaming Lamborghinis are 10 whole fucking bucks cheaper.

Result: Jed, Gordon and Thad got wasted.

Jed and Gordon, level 6 high:

Thad and Gordon, chugging their pints:

Thad, level 6 high after chugging 2 pints:

Thad and his man-fling, still level 6 high:

Thad in a wig, level 23328756 high(in other words, gone case):
China One's bartender, trying to flame our Waterfall in his own amateur ways:

Jed, Gordon, Elyas, with my PE shirt:

Jed, preparing for the Waterfall:

Jed and I, level 5 and level 2 high:

Marianne and I, that is not a cigarette:

Gordon wearing 3 shirts at once, level 6 high:

The look on Thad's face after he chugged both his pints was priceless. Like he couldn't believe he just did that. And the look on Jed's face after the Waterfall(extra strong) was classic. Like he just came out of a tear-gas chamber.

Just because I'm nice, I'll treat all you freeloaders to a couple of videos of me with my favourite car and Jed with his landscape.

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On last Wednesday's Ladies Night, Laura and I met MIG AYESA of Queen's We Will Rock You performance outside Pump Room. And all these happened while Nora, Cameron and Dawn were annoyed at our absence at MOS.
Can't get any better than this.

The pictures are self-explanatory:

2008-04-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

Arena has the cutest bartenders. They started to dance the Soulja Boy dance when the song came on. Hilariousity ensued.

2008-04-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

"On the Dot."

I changed my email to fatandobeseclubbergalzx@hotmail.com. Please add me on MSN, Friendster, Myspace, Facebook and any other KEWLZX stuff like that.

"Not too many, just 4 guys at once..."

Hoothoot has been to many places with me. He's the coolest owl anyone can ever have.
He has been to my workplace many times and come on, admit it, some of my closest friends have never even thought about visiting me there.

He has also been on a ride on Alex's bike. He even has a matching helmet, you know, for safety reasons. Owls can get hurt in a car accident too.

2008-04-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

"Shorty, I could take you there"

Too many things have happened in too short a time. Bonded with Toni, Jensen, Nora and Anil on Alex's birthday night. Found out something which, if I had a choice, would not want to find out. But it's all good.

Wednesday was, as usual, Ladies' night. Ira, Kim, Nora and I painted Arena and MOS red. Or black, if you saw what we all wore. Anyway, like any clubbing night, it ended eventful. I was the only one sober after 8 shots. Ira puked and got hauled home by her boyfriend. Kim got piggy-backed home by Jensen.
Me?
I just caught Dawn and Man grinding. Great night.

Well done, Rachel.

"Apple bottomed jeans
Boots with the fur
The whole club's lookin' at her..."

Highlander toilet camera whoring:

Arena:

MOS toilet:

2008-04-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

It's approximately 5.15am now, I reached home from work not too long ago. Tonight was a disaster.
How I managed to request a confrontation without knowing what I wanted to say and what I wanted out of it still beats me. I asked the questions. I begged for the answers. When I finally got them, I didn't know how to react.
What the fuck, Rachel.

I deserve a slap and a shove off a motorbike.

I'm sorry, to whomever it may concern. I really didn't mean it, and I never expected it to happen.

I'm still going to be me, and you're still going to be you. And we're still going to have as much fun with each other like we always did. I don't want ANYTHING to change. Please, don't let things change because of what I said.

2008-04-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

2008-03-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

The Unsettling Truth.

I started work at 5pm today, and took charge of the 'smoking area' of Highlander. Inside the bar itself, there was a function going on, and almost everyone was inside helping out. So it was only Hidayah and me outside. At table 215, there was an american guest, a man probably in his early 50s, consuming a whole bottle of Barcardi rum and coke.

This man, impacted me greatly today.

When I first headed outside, he was already three quarters done with his bottle. He was already intoxicated, and he knew it too. But he wasn't a typical trouble-maker. He just had a lot of troubles.

He raised his hands gesturing towards me. I went over and asked how I may help. With one palm on his chest, he said "I think I'm going to die, you must help me". I didn't know what to think. Anyway, following this, he made me take out 2 huge Nectarie Dessert boxes and a couple of American newspapers out of his humongous knapsack just to recover a sthetoscope.

A fucking sthetoscope.

Can you believe it? But the mystery was solved when he told me he was a rescue diver working in the US Marines. He said he hasn't eaten or consumed anything else but cigarettes and alcohol the past two days. I looked at his piercing blue eyes and saw overwhelming sadness and unspoken hopes.
Looking and talking to him was like watching a wonderfully made tear-jerker.

He told me he only had 7 hours left on land(on Singaporean land), he has to leave by midnight back to his ship and on it he will stay for a minimum of a couple of years. No less. I asked him how long does he have to stay aboard once he gets on the ship.

It's a whopping four years!
Four fucking long years with only water surrounding you. And your loved ones are left behind, somewhere, thinking about your safety, and you theirs. But that's as close as you can get to being with them. You learn to love your memories, you learn to cherish your time on land so much that each second you have your feet on soil is precious. It's so hard.

I don't know but I felt his pain. To put it bluntly, he was drowning himself in rum to become numb to his circumstances. Only sad thing is, he is still aware no matter how much he swallowed. It was painful to watch him, it was painful to know what he was going through. I wouldn't have cried more if I witnessed a cancer patient writhing in discomfort.

Heart wrenching sob-story.

The whole day/night, between trips to the toilet, he counted on his fingers the hours he got left. He kept wanting to talk to me and I kept wanting to listen. He was such an amazing person and I had so much respect for him. He told me he used to date many girls at once when he was younger. He told me he had everything. But he kept repeating "Now, one girl. Now, only one girl." And this girl's photo was hung on a small plastic folder round his neck together with his Navy/Marines identification pass and other legal identification cards. I know because I saw it. I asked him, "where is she now?". He just shook his head and teared. He was already tearing when he was telling me about how he can only touch land twice in four years. It was an incredible story to tell and an even more incredible story to live.

One other unusual thing that he did was that everytime he asked me to bring him more ice or another glass or help him to outide the toilet, he would thrust money in my hands and insist I keep his tips. I said "no sir, I can't take your money. This is my job." And he replied, "Take it. I used to be a bartender. People gave me alot of cash. You deserve it. Take it. It's yours."
So I did.

I don't know why but I was a little affected by his tales the entire night. Everytime I think back to the things he told me, and the way he acted, and the blatant misery in his eyes, I become sadder. His heart can never be cold, he has been doing this for years, he said, but he still longs to live normally and be with his loved ones. He still has so much hope, but so little capacity for its fulfilment. I pray to God, he can be happier. I really wish he can find joy in his life once again. He told me that he loves to sky-dive and dive. He even showed us the tattoos of a parachute and a diver on his left chest. He said this is what he loves to do. It's just that the nature of the US military requires too much of any human being. I asked him why don't he quit.
He can't. You can't just quit the American military force. Once you commit, it's your life. You've sold your soul already. He sold his, and now, trying to be drunk and numb on land is the most comforting thing that he can do.

If I could, I want to talk to this man again. Hopefully when he is sober. I want to know. I want to listen. It's inspiring and touching.

-

Whatever your name is, I don't know but I have chronicled the above in remembrance of you. And in return, I snuck into your knapsack a Highlander coaster with well-wishes written behind, just to let you know I understand. I hope you will be empowered with the freedom to do what you like and not have any regrets. I hope you will be happier.

2008-03-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

Highland Park 40 Yrs.

The most expensive shot of single malt whisky you will find at The Highlander. It's a hundred bucks a shot. I salute you if you can afford this type of lifestyle.

Over the weeks and months I have worked at The Highlander, I have bonded with many of my colleagues and made really good friends. Like Alex, the bartender. He told me today he got his cheque and he's leaving soon.
Which sucks.
Because he's one of those I am closest to.
Like I won't give a fuck if Dawn leaves. In fact, I'd be glad. We just clash, even if we don't mean to, and it just seems like she's pissed with me most of the time. Might as well leave, huh.
I really like Alex, he's the coolest dad any kid can ever have. Arisya and Amanda should be proud. (I love his respective 3 and 1-year-old angels. And their full names are really cool too but that's beside the point.)

I have fun working with James, Jimmy and Kim (the newbirds), and Ira, Laura, and Alex Jung. They make me like my job alot.

By the way, there was once when Vanessa and boyfriend dropped by to have dinner, I did a flaming lamborghini for them!

I am the coolest person I know.

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Thinking back, so many things have happened these past few days. What with Jed, Park, and Alex. It's overwhelming and exciting at the same time, it's nerve-wrecking yet fulfilling. I don't know but I rarely have opprtunities to feel the way I do nowadays.

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I've been watching S-league, a couple of times already. I know it's stupid to support S-league but I know Park and Takatoshi from Albirex Niigata. Anyway, I've been supporting Albirex and in all honesty, they are not a bad team to support. They are not top table(like Man U and Chelsea), but they don't suck(like Blackburn and Fulham. It's also a great bonus that the players are japanese and they are cute.

And I can always get free tickets. Ha!

2008-03-13T13:13:00.001-07:00

One Night at The Arena

We just had so much fun.

Alicia, Kavina, Me, Mus:

Matt, Yong, Ian:

Another Day at The Highlander.

We ate too damn much that day.

Just Jed and I at The Highlander, before collecting our very honourable results. It felt like The Last Supper, the meal to have before reality kicks in and we realise we're deadmeat.

2008-02-28T13:23:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, Highlander First Anniversary Party.

Free flow house vodka, gin, bourbon, whisky, lager and ale from 7-9pm. Chaos and uproar due to the clash between free drinks and Singaporeans' mercenary nature. Either way, the staff had a photo frenzy before the party started.

(Nora, as usual, was the Hostess for this event. She has to 'up her game' if you know what I mean, which explains why she isn't in the standard uniform. But on any other day, she dresses like a slut anyway, so don't mind her. She's awesome though.)

Alex(bartender), Me, Laura:

Rosdi, Man(bartender), Matt:

Plus Ira:

Group Photo(Clockwise from the White girl) - Laura, Rosdi, Matt, Ira, Me:

Again(Clockwise from White girl) - Laura, Rosdi, Nora, Man, Matt, Ira, Me, Juliah:

Jokers and the blasted Jerome(Manager):

Ira, Laura, Me:

2008-02-26T11:47:00.000-08:00

Green Tea Flavoured Pumpkin Seeds.

At The Highlander, there are 2 bartenders. Alman(Man) and Alex. I always thought Alex hated me because I kept messing up my drink orders. Before today, he always grumbled and made faces at me whenever I ask him for ice or mixers or whatever else. But today, he was nice to me. Like AWFULLY NICE to me. He made me two Blue Curacao on the rocks and a Lime Margarita on the rocks. Just for me, as in secretly behind Jerome(manager)'s back. And he didn't do his usual "Aye what you want?". Instead, it was "Yes darling, may I help you?" and "Pass me the bucket please, baby."
YEAH BABY, LIFE IS CHANGING FOR THE BETTER.
Alex is much much much more approachable when he is in a good mood (i.e. when the bar is not busy). Actually, not to say the obvious but working at Highlander has its perks. And I'm loving it.

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Today, a group of 20-year-old Korean- and Japan- born guys came to the Highlander. They were football players who played in the S-League. Anyway, there was this Park Myong Sik or something who, I guessed, appreciated my service alot. He waited till I knocked off just to say thanks.

IT'S A PITY HIS GRATITUDE DIDN'T COME IN THE FORM OF CASH.

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Also, a couple of days ago, Mus came to visit. Apparently, she's pretty close to some of the Cuba Libre people who are just next door to the Highlander. So naturally, we had fun.

All in all, I fucking love today to bits. I love my colleagues. If everyday at The Highlander was like today, I never want to leave. Ever.

Vivien and I :

Nora and Laura:

The service industry is my calling. I have decided.

2008-02-18T23:20:00.000-08:00

I Bleed Tears.

Since my Army Boy is in the third world still, he owes me a Happy Valentine's Day. No less.
Even though he sent me an Eternal Love Bouquet. (But I secretly prefer the Genuine Love Bouquet he sent last year because it was twice the size.)

You remember how I FUCKING AS HELL HATED my job at Lloyd Wise? Well, I found love and warmth at The Highlander. If I was filthy rich, I'd work there forever. Of course, I know you can't waitress for life, but I like it there and I'll be there till I decide to hate it.
Wednesday nights are for The Arena and Friday nights are for MOS.

I love life.

By the way, my colleague, Laura Jayne Pearson's father is the CEO of Lifebrandz. Lifebrandz owns The Cannery and its tenents. So basically we can be on the guestlist of any party happening at The Cannery.

Again, I love life.

I'll put up some pictures to depict my very delightful life at The Highlander soon. That is, when I decide you're worth it.

I've been having a few bouts of diarrhoea. But I haven't been eating much. I think my wish has finally been granted. The wish I made a year ago about how I want to be allergic to oil and fat. My prayer's been granted.
I only hope it will last.

I'm not foolish, I just want to be thin.

Lace, I hope you have fun at your next eat-all-you-can buffet.

2008-02-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

The Most Anal Cab Driver Award.

I swear, I could have kneed him in the skull if I wasn't trying to get to Jed's place as quickly as possible.

2008-01-21T07:10:00.000-08:00

Found liberty in bartending.

Lately, life has been rather monotonous for me. I've been sitting in front of my computer in my private cubicle, contemplating about when to quit, whether to quit. In all honesty, I hate my job. I know it's a law firm and I know I get to sit in an air-conditioned place all day long and I know that some people consider this a good part of life(like stupid little Lace). But as the hours crawl by, I find myself droning off to sleep in painful time day after day, five days a week. I can only wonder in desperate curiosity if studying Conrad and Fitzgerald is better than this job I have.
Basically my jobscope includes billing clients, booking up invoices, chatting via MSN, reading Tuckermax and playing internet games on Coffeebreakarcade.
It's easy, non-physical, and almost problem-free.

I hate it.

Over these two days that just flew past, I found opportunities to further my temporary desire to be a bartender. Tomorrow, I am going for an interview and whether I eventually will end up behind a bar spitting in your beverages is dependent on the working hours and salary. Either way, I'm still going to try out for it. I just hope that I'me good enough for The Arena. If I'm good enough for DXO, no reason why The Arena should be an asshole to me.

To me, I feel job satisfaction is essential. Especially in these circumstances where I am neither extremely hard up for cash nor going to attach myself permanently to the job. I figured why not do something I enjoy, why not do something different. I don't despise run-of-the-mill, ordinary, mediocre, and boring jobs like what I am doing now, but I just want to explore the possibilities.
I should have the liberty to.
I don't give a fuck what my folks will say about the the night shifts or the locations. It's my life, my choice.

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Last friday, a few of us close friends celebrated Vanessa's birthday in town. We had dinner at Breeks, played pool, then headed over to Harry's Bar to get the birthday girl high. I was looking forward to a delicious pint of Strongbow but it's a pity they didn't have it there. It's the Orchard Towers branch that serves my beloved Strongbow together with trannies on the side.

The day I tasted Strongbow was the day I fell in love again.

So six tequilas and one Long Island Tea later, Sup and I were still completely sober. While Vanessa was becoming beet-red, heating up, and swaying in her seat. And her usually meek demeanor evolved into loudspeaker overkill.
She was high.
Granted she warned us she couldn't drink, I was still taken aback as to how she could have easily gone from hero to zero after two minute tequila shots.

I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. Happy birthday, silly girl.

2008-01-16T16:58:00.000-08:00

Why education is overrated.

I even went ahead to omit the 'I think' part in the title because this is no longer a value judgement, it is a plain fact. Education is overrated. I'm not saying education is worthless, but it just seems to me that people think of education in too high a regard that it should be deemed.

Yesterday, after work at Tanjong Pagar MRT station, I saw a caucasian man taking his turn at the General Ticketing Machine(GTM). I was diagonally behind him so I basically could see everything he was trying to do to the GTM. First he put his easy-link card atop the card reader. Then he fiddled here, meddled there and lifted his card off the card-reader, meanwhile feeling utterly clueless and bewildered as to why he couldn't top up his card.

Judging from his Charles Tyrwhitt dress-shirt, Hermes tie, and fully genuine leather briefcase, I postulate that he is a corporate professional. Maybe not top-rank, but aspiring to be. And definitely educated.

After various attempts to assault the machine and force it to accept his money, the machine won the fight. He then proceeded to turn around and tell the 7 people behind him that the machine is not working.

In all this while, I was waiting for my turn at the adjacent queue thinking what a dimwit this 'educated' fool is. Because stated clearly above the GTM, if he would be so considerate as to look up, are the words: Please remove card only when card-reader light turns green.'

Turns out the educated fucker can't read.

2008-01-07T04:59:00.000-08:00

Gun in hand, Absinthe in throat.

I bought a brand new pair of shoes. They happen to be six inches high and lovely. I'm currently loving this gorgeous pair of Jimmy Choo Lexy heels, which are available in a multitude of colours and pretty damn high. They're a little over a thousand bucks and from their spring/cruise collection.

Besides, I also have my eye on the Gucci Queen($4000) and matching shoes($760):

I think I'll get the shoes first. (insert extremely happy face here)
If you don't like what I like, or simply don't agree with my preferences, don't express your opinions. I don't care, and they don't matter.

Anyway, if you thought I was done with the bitching about the fucking common fug bag that is the LV Speedy,

YOU'RE WRONG.

Because it is a fucking ugly and common bag that 540 out of 541 people in Singapore have. Everytime you walk through the doors between the Chanel Flagship store and the Louis Vuitton store in Ngee Ann City, you will spot a queue snaking outside LV. This queue is full of only 5 types of people:
1. Wannabes.
2. Losers who want to get the cheapest designer bag in the market.
3. Foreigners who have no idea about Singapore's ability to bastardize bags.
4. Wannabes.
5. Wannabes.

Technically there are only 3 types of people, I'm not stupid like you. But you know what? This is my page and only what I say matters. There is also no tagboard or haloscan or guestbook for you to offer your inane bitching. (If you're thinking of posting your comment or mine or both on your own blog, well, I don't care and I'm not reading it, dipshit.)

One thing is true though, that Singaporeans have this uncanny and inate ability to bastardize the goodness there is in designer bags. Remember Anya Hindmarch's I'm Not A Plastic Bag fad? The one that led to 763412089471 imitations that outplayed the number of fake LV wallets in the world? Why the hell would anyone want to purchase that canvas piece of shit anyway. It's not useful, nor pretty and most of all not eco-friendly, you still need material and resources to make it. What are we, idiots? We know it's not fucking plastic. People who carry this bag simply risk looking like a cheap asshole. More so referring to the ones who carry the fake version of this jackshit.
And you thought it couldn't get worse.

If you carry this said bag, or the LV Speedy,

NEWSFLASH! YOU'RE MEDIOCRE.

Everybody's got the same bag as you. You're ordinary, average, nothing good. The only thing special about you is your mental capabilities.

It's not nice or gorgeous, or useful or classic or ergonomic. Nor is it economical. If you wanted an economical bag, it would say 'Cold Storage' instead of having all the ugly prints you call monograms.

By the way, LV's got the worst monograms. Next is a tie between Gucci and Coach.
So if you were ever hit by a truck or abducted by aliens who brainwashed you, remember never to purchase something that a million other women already have in their worthless collection.
Don't buy the Speedy.
If you must really do Louis Vuitton, get the Mahina. Or in Damier print. Anything but the fugly LV monogram.
And that includes the coloured versions.

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After this mental diarrhoea, I'd like to share something I saw in Hermes that I must have. Contrary to any redundant belief, it's not the Birkin nor the Kelly. It's not a scarf either.
Want to know what it is?
It is beautiful, that's what it is.

This picture simply doesn't do the pair of heels justice. But if you have so much free time, you can pop by the Hermes official site to start your lame search.

Also on update, was the fact that I was at Raffles Hotel's Bar and Billiard Room(Restaurant). It was absolutely breath-taking. I'm talking about the hotel on the whole. I'd give up food for a whole month to stay 2 nights there. The courtyard - gorgeous. The rooms - gorgeous. The restaurant - gorgeous. Hell, even the lobby is beautiful. And the best thing about my trip there was that in the lobby, beside this black man playing the grand piano, was this precious little creature staring at me, beckoning me to come and hug it and take it home, and I wanted so much to reciprocate its feelings...

No, it's not a dog.
No, it's not a baby either.

It's a precious orange Hermes Birkin. I swear it was calling me.
Too bad, I changed my number to 1800-CANNOT-AFFORD.

I'll post some pitures of my trip to Raffles Hotel next entry. Or the next. Or the next. Don't hurry me, remember, your opinion does not matter.

2007-12-29T07:10:00.001-08:00

The best page in the universe.

Maddox and I share the exact same sentiments. He is the funniest person I've ever known to live.
I'm not sharing him with you.

2007-12-29T05:22:00.000-08:00

Pardon my french.

I just finished watching Little Children. A 2006 movie nominated for quite a few prestigious film awards. It's M18 due to a couple of sexual references but otherwise, it's easy on the soul. In fact, it's good for the soul.

It's a good movie, based on my I felt and the message conveyed.
The part where the paedophile was ostracised and shunned like the plague had a strong impact on me.
This character named Ronnie, was an ex-convict. He was incarcerated because he exposed himself to a minor. And after he was released, this ex-cop, Larry, continuously taunted him and made the entire neighbourhood join in his campaign to shame and humiliate Ronnie. One day, Ronnie went to the town pool to have a swim. The town pool is like Planet Kids. There are a million children in the pool and a million parents outside the pool getting a tan or simply watching their kids play in the sun. When Ronnie was found to be in the water, every adult started getting hysterical and insisting their children get out of the pool 'RIGHT NOW!'. And when eventually the waters were only populated with Ronnie himself, the parents and kids both were filmed to watch him with scornful eyes.
My heart went out to Ronnie. All he wanted to do was to 'cool off'. He knew he did something bad last time, he knew he was wrong. He was guilty and he thought he had paid his dues in prison.
So where's the forgiveness?
I was wondering why people were so quick to judge and so slow to forgive, and why must society choose to ostracise and intimidate a person who only wanted to be redeemed. Ronnie had a psycho-sexual disorder, it wasn't his fault. His fault lay in the fact that he didn't or couldn't exercise enough self-restraint. So why did he have to suffer in public again after serving his time in the penitentiary?

The only part I failed to comprehend was the neighbourhood's heartlessness and lack of forgiveness.

That was not the only instance of Ronnie's torture. The path leading to his house was always vandalised with hurtful words like 'devil'. And Larry often used a loudspeaker to shout insults, at night, and urge all parents to keep their kids away from Ronnie. Larry just took pride in taunting Ronnie.
One night, Ronnie's mother who lived with him got very angry at the din Larry was making outside their house. She went down to give him a piece of her mind but was shoved by Larry and ended up with a heart attack. She died soon after due to this incident.
Ronnie couldn't take her death in his stride because she was the only one who was there for him in his entire life. But now that she was gone, he couldn't take it. On her deathbed, minutes before she died, she wrote a note to Ronnie. Her last words were 'please be a good boy'. And then she passed on.
Ronnie read the note later, cried, and went to the town's playground to sit on the swing. It was not filmed in detail(thank goodness) but he had already castrated himself and believed that that was the only way he could 'be a good boy' to fulfil his mother's wish. Larry came to apologise and express his heartfelt condolences and this was when Ronnie dropped his jeans and told Larry 'I'll be good now'.

This part, was heartwrenching.
Why must an ex-offender be subjected to public humiliation, even after paying his dues, and even have to suffer three-fold again in order to be forgiven. He castrated himself. It was not a simply slit on the wrist like all Simple Plan fans. It was not a lame attempt to jump off a 5-storey building. It was castration. Ronnie didn't even felt the need to be accepted. He only craved forgiveness. And redemption.

Why?
Why so begrudging?
Is it human nature to be so cruel?
Did God make us unforgiving and uncompassionate?

You may think, no Rachel, it's only a movie.
But from whom and where did Todd Field(director) get this movie idea from? How did he develop it? Why was this film a hit and why did it touch so many hearts such that it was multi-nominated?
Surely it must have stemmed from somewhere. Random thoughts are not so elaborate. Surely there was some basis.

It hurts to know that humans' have a dark side. It hurts to know that this dark side is so dark.

In short, Little Children is a profound movie about infidelity, centering on a group of young marrieds, whose lives intersect on the playgrounds, town pools and streets of their small community, in potentially dangerous ways.
(Nominated for 3 Oscars. And other 24 nominations with 12 wins.)

2007-12-28T09:12:00.000-08:00

Found a friend in Grande Marnier.

Besides the legendary Great Singapore Sale, I never thought anything else could beat the Christmas sale.
BUT I WAS WRONG.

The post-christmas sale is the force to be reckoned with, that is, if you still have a spare cash stash after buying christmas presents.
This year, I shopped.
Next year, which is around the corner, I will shop more.

This was the best thing that happened to me today. Kavina bought it for ME, and her really pretty girlfriend picked it out.

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Ever since I've taken a step into the corporate world, I've been paying more attention to office etiquette and what you may call workplace faux pas. I make a mental note not to dress like a certain someone on the street to work unless I work at a brothel. I make a mental note to have an ice-blended Frappucino at 8am in the morning unless my idea of a working day includes a very very long toilet visit. I make a mental note not to speak like the Chinatown 'ah lian' when I'm asking my colleagues for a favour...

And then I spotted something that irks me till no end. This little creation has brought joy to many, and I mean millions, but it has brought nothing but discernment, disdain, and extreme dislike to me.
When I spot it, I think to myself: Yes, remind me why I hate Louis Vuitton.
And this is the wretched thing:

I fucking wish as hard as hell that Marc Jacobs would make this bag a severely limited edition. Better yet, stop production.

I'm not saying I will never end up with a Louis Vuitton bag, I very well just may(though I refuse to pay more than $300 for that shitty monogram you call designer). But the key to wearing designer is to do it tastefully. To pick and choose one that actually spells class. There's a thin line between class and crass, and this bag is way over on the crass side. No thanks to Singaporeans, who only know how to overuse, overdo and overwhelm. (Remember the bubble tea fad?) Besides the recent doughnut craze, something else to draw a parallel with this LV FUG BAG that is the Speedy, is Giordano's campaign - A World Without Strangers.
Many scorn at Giordano apparels because everyone has something from there, be it a pair of bermudas, an I <3 Singapore t-shirt, or a belt. Yes, that includes that auntie at your neighbourhood coffeeshop. So I may not be in Giordano's fanclub, but I applaud their immense success in achieving their objective of having a world without strangers, since everyone has a Giordano something.

So what about LV?
Assuming a typical working weekday at 8.30am in the morning in the CBD, you open your eyes wide and start counting the number of LV monogrammed speedys you see around you. 3? 4? 5?
No, it's more like 3+4+5. Then multiplied by 2. (I did a very unbiased research for one week at the Tanjong Pagar gentry within our CBD limits.)

What the fuck?

If it comes down to a winner for the World Without Strangers campaign, the LV speedy is a shoo-in. Hands down. Overcooked and overused.
"Hey! I have that bag too!"
"Cool, how much did you get it for?"
"Like, about 900 bucks?"
"Really? Me too!"
"Hey you there! How much did you pay for your bag?"
"5 bucks. The underpass from Lido to Wisma got the best deals, and like, my friends all got one each. At least."

Are you still willing to shell out an exorbitant amount of cash for something that is reminiscent of the next pair of cheap skinny jeans that EVERY SINGLE SOUL IN SINGAPORE has?
This is not to mention the similar monogrammed wallet, messenger bags, totes, whatever you may.

Here's some advice:
If you do in fact have some cash to spare, and yearn for a signature designer piece that is not overused, overwhelming and overdone, pick something else.
The infamous Jimmy Choo Ramona.
The extravagant Chanel Classic Flap.
The Dior Gaucho(right here next to me!).
The Fendi Spy.
Even the initially close-to-being-a-craze Balanciaga City bag.

Anything but the FUG BAG that is the Louis Vuitton Speedy.

2007-12-26T04:56:00.000-08:00

WHERE'S MY CRACK?

My Christmas Eve and Christmas 2007 was spent with Jed. We had the best time ever in a long long time. Of course, since Singapore is so anal about having their NS men book in again on CHRISTMAS FUCKING NIGHT, Jed had to go defend Singapore in Tekong again.
AND ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT TOO.

At least I managed to snag some pictures of my army boy before he left.

I got fucking high on Christmas Eve. Jed said he thought I was a level 8, but I debated with him and insisted I was around 7 or 6.5. Or something. I'm not sure if he even said it but I vaguely remember him commenting about how 'not-bad'a drinker I am, and he ranks me between Thad and Kah Wei. I don't know but if he didn't say this, my brain must be pretty random.
But I was still sane considering I downed 8 full shots - first 5 at one go, the rest staggered. We watched Good Luck Chuck whilst drinking but we paused the movie. I knew I wasn't drunk when I could tell him the next morning we stopped the movie at 21:36.
See? I can still remember.

I did something funny when he slept. Too bad he didn't stay awake long enough to witness it.

I had a lot of fun. I missed him, and he loved loved loved my present so I'm happy.

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You know, I am beginning to like Clarke Quay again. It's beautiful in the evening.

2007-12-22T02:33:00.000-08:00

Melissa Panarello

A haunting tale of a sexually abused girl who at last manages to find love and liberty in her teenage life, albeit after much trials and tribulation. I love the show. It draws you in and holds you, then makes your heart cringe so you cry. You feel her, then when she finds love in Marco(Nilo Mur), you're so happy for her.
Melissa P is truly an artistic and literary masterpiece. I love it so much, I made a mental note to watch it again in a couple of years. It's sexual, it's painful, yet it's endearing.

And it's not because I find Nilo Mur absolutely alluringly cute. He's a bonus.

Before embarking on John's reccommendation, Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, which I've already read reviews and overviews about and happen to think it a fantastic and profoundly good movie, Melissa P has my vote for Best Show I've Watched in 2007 as of late.

It's been more than a couple of years since I did movie reviews here, but I just had a strong urge to note Melissa P down. I found it at a movie rental shop at Icon Village(Tanjong Pagar) during lunch break between work yesterday. The summary caught me, and I went ahead to rent it. I have absolutely no regrets, and right now, I am feeling extremely satisfied that I have watched and appreciated such a film.

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Christmas is around the corner, and nothing beats curling up in a cozy room with a loved one, watching a great movie in between mouthfuls of turkey ham and christmas roast. It's a pity it doesn't snow here, life would be much more tolerable with snow. I know I'm saying this from the viewpoint of a person who has lived in the tropics all her life, but a girl can dream, can't she?
It's not my fault Hawaii is sunny all year round.

Anyway, ever since Jed booked in for NS, I've been working and sleeping and watching Gossip Girl like it's a life staple. I happen to appreciate life in the Upper East Side(Manhatten) and I've always always always longed to have one there. Which is exactly what made me hunger to further my studies in the US of A ever since I found out what Cocaine and Marijuana are. But financially, emotionally and academically, I am unfit to be by myself in NYC, so I guess this dream of mine will have to take a backseat.
But definitely, before I die, I will live in NYC. Jed wants San Francisco, but ladies first.

I was talking about Christmas. I love Christmas, it's so western, so wonderful, so dream-esque. I love the thought of a family, maybe with a few additional significant others, sitting together at the dinner table with turkey and ham and just feeling so thankful that they can experience yet another Christmas together. I love the message that comes behind this festival, and the very love that pervades the whole idea of a reunion.

It's another, even greater, pity that Singapore does not appreciate Christmas like many households in America do. Like parties and champagne, filling up christmas stockings, having mommy kissing Santa Claus in front of the fire place, and the kids just enjoying a moment with their toys.
Singapore is detrimental to the human soul.
Or maybe I'm just not a part of society that has the privillege of the aforementioned circumstances.

Though I only have a vague idea what Thanksgiving is officially about, Christmas is thankgiving to me. This year, I realised how much I've neglected my grandmother and grandfather. I've been buying back BreadTalk and Donuts to show how sorry I am for the times I ignored them or was rude to them. I don't know what I'd do if they were not around anymore. I owe my upbringing to them, I thank God that I do not have a chance to end up like the paternal side of my family.

For the second time in my entire 18 years of life, I'm going to say I'm happy to be me. (The first was when Jed asked me to be his girlfriend, and it's something I'm really proud of.)

2007-12-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

The vagina never speaks.

It's been a couple of days since I've started working at Lloyd Wise. It's a firm full of Patent and Trade Mark attorneys. In other words, a law firm. And no, it's not a glamourous job, because the place is dingy and the job sucks.
I've only been there a short three days, and I already find myself hoping for 6pm to come so I can leave the stupid CBD.

I'm doing Data Entry and basic Accounting.
My work load is wretched. The smaller pile on the left is what I have completed and the GARGANTUAN pile on the right is what I have to do:

Today, after work, I went to Wisma to meet Lace for a short shopping trip and dinner. Only, I didn't eat, just had a Purple Haze, which I absolutely adored. I have yet to try a Mai Tai, so that would be my order my next time at Cosmo Bar/Bistro.

After that, Lace and I walked over to Taka so that she can make her purchase of an extremely good curling tongs that I recommended.

I'm not muslim and I have absolutely no desire to be one, but I really can't wait for 20 Dec which happens to be Hari Raya Haji. Because Jed will be booking out of Third Word Tekong to drop by humble little Singapore on 19 Dec. Since 20 Dec is a public holiday, I foresee an emotional but very soul-satisfying day.
I miss Jed.

That's it for today.

2007-12-13T08:10:00.000-08:00

Crank That

13 December 2007 - Yunjia's birthday. First day of Mango sale. Vanessa coming back from overseas. Jed's enlistment.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm deadbeat.
I wish I cherished the times we had together more. Especially this November and December, just before he checks himself into Third-World-Tekong(TWT). But I can't turn back time, and now that the time has come for boys to become men(I know, like what the fuck?), I just have to deal. I'm going to have to adapt to being independentgalzx@hotmail.com, and deal.
And just because I need him around doesn't make me needy, so fuck you.

Ever loved?

I woke up at 6am this morning so I can make it to TWT with Jed and family to see him off and have the last wave goodbye. The unattractive singaporean Men-in-Uniform(MIU) gave us a free tour of TWT and free food that is dressed in oil and butter. Well, Third-World-Tekong isn't that 'Third-World' afterall, because it is now the new BMTS2 which is the abbreviated Basic Military Training School 2. It's better, cleaner, and well, newer. I just called it TWT just because I want to have the comfort of knowing that girls are lucky not to have compulsory training from hell.

And the million-dollar question is, why did I abbreviate with TWT, MIU, BMTS2 etc.? This you have to ask SAF(Singapore Armed Fuckers). It is absolutely impossible for them to speak like normal people. It's like a law or something to have to abbreviate phrases. Like SOC(Standard Obstacle Course), OCS(Officer Cadet School), BMT(Basic Military Training), SAF(Singapore Armed Fuckers), IPPT, PFT, SGT, SHIT, ABC...
It is absolutely impossible for them to talk like normal people too, because all of them, like hamsters in a cage, are conditioned to shout out every single word in the dictionary as a command. I have no idea why this flawed approach is implemented but can you imagine your boyfriend shouting everything he wants to tell you? Like GOOD MORNING MA'AM! I LOVE YOU MA'AM! MA'AM IS LOOKING GOOD TODAY MA'AM! PERMISSION TO RECOVER MA'AM! PASS THE SALT MA'AM!

Fuck.
And what about in public, when these trained men are required to speak to other people? ONE CUP OF LIME JUICE SIR! THANK YOU SIR! MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR! SIR YES SIR! TURN RIGHT SIR!

But I still love my disciplined baldie.
Before my alter ego regurgitates this morning's free Tekong breakfast, I'll stop it.

I never realised how much I love him until he's really gone. Even if it's just NS with occasional book-out days. I wonder if he can come out on Valentine's Day. I hope, but I doubt it. These barrack boys have no love in their lives, maybe except for grenades and rifles.

Actually NS(again another fucking abbreviated term) is not that bad, save the 24km march and the 'field camp' part of their training. SAF really cleaned up their act this time, just like how Axl Rose finally cleaned up his act.

Knowing Jed, he'll survive and even do well. He may even stand a good chance winning best camper. I mean, cadet. (Fuck, this third world-ness is getting to me.) Jed can rough it out, I know it. It helps that he's been with rowdy rugby players for 6 years and he's been a vice-captain for two. He'll have no problems dealing with fuckers who got a combat boot up their ass. So I guess, I won't worry too excessively.
Even though I will, because I care.

HERE'S TO A GOOD FUCKED UP TWO YEARS AHEAD.
HIP HIP FUCKYOU.

2007-12-07T07:44:00.000-08:00

Once Upon a December

Fuck the lame theme. Whoever came up with it obviously didn't inherit creative genes. Try 'Bros and Hoes' or 'Nightmare in Bishan' or 'Sex in the CBD'. These are easily more fun and innovative than 'Once upon a December'. And our outfits will definitely turn out more interesting.
Anyway, let's have a dose of RJC's prom night 2007.
I didn't take any pictures of post-prom at Plush, but I assure you, the thrill was there.

Let's start with Red Carpet duo, Rachel and Jed. And I really mean RED CARPET.

Then there are jokers who think it's a hiphop party. Give it up for Stuart Ho DJ ASS-HO!

And then there are people who are necessarily cooler than others..

Following which, there are people who have never attended etiquette classes and brought the term 'unglamourous' to life.

Of course, conflict was not at a minimum even at Prom, because clearly, there are people itching to fight.

I didn't forget the typical lovey-dovey pictures that couples take together on Prom night to commemorate the most glamourous Love that exists between them.

Not forgetting the overly dramatic Mermaids..

And finally, the most unoriginal class and team pictures that serves insufficient purpose, but will nonetheless be poignant in 20 years' time.

2007-12-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

Plush and Drinks

Prom was boring. I didnt't finish my full dinner course but I only ate the expensive stuff to make up my money's worth, like the fucking fish maw soup which I thought was shark's fin soup, and some steam fish.

The fun part, I guess, was taking pictures with people I know I'll miss. Even people I don't really talk to in school. Like Wong Kar Wei. And Narpal. And Samuel(dance king). And Cheryl and CaiJing's mermaid-esque costumes. And of course Stuart's bling.

Prom king: Kaiyang.
Prom queen: Viola.

It's alright, John and Laura. To us, you are the Prom king and queen of our hearts.
Geez, despite stealing other people's voting slips and changing their votes to John and Laura, they still didn't win.
THE CONTEST IS FUCKING RIGGED.
I swear.

Anyway, the excitement and thrill was at our post-prom party at Plush. Yes, they just had to fucking change names again. Club Momo, Velvet Dragon, Plush.. What next? Club Shit?

Turns out the organisers lost six hundred bucks each, it was a badly planned affair. The club benefitted the most though. Simply with a name change, the price was jacked up as well.
Plush?
I think not, try Club Jackshit.

A few highlights at Post-prom:
Bernie and Cheryl had to be HAULED onto cabs.
Kenny Lau passed out cold for about 4 hours on the pavement outside Club Jackshit.
Kenny Ng and Natnat had a verbal sparring of biology after a few drinks dissolved their screws.
Bong was not dancing, he was moshing. (Machiam rock concert)
And stuff.

At about 4 to 5.30am, Mus and I stayed back to settle the problematic drunkards.

But it was a night well-spent, I must say. I had fun with all my girlfriends despite the frenzy. I'll definitely do this again, just without the eyebags and the lethargy the next day.

I STILL WANT TO GO SHOPPING WITH LACE.

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What am I going to do with my life without Jed when he checks himself into NS?
I'm probably going to bury myself in work I found at Lloyd Wise Law Firm. Yes, I am officially employed.
Maybe I'll have spare cash to make it a good christmas with him...

I'll post pictures next time.

2007-11-27T01:27:00.000-08:00

Everytime I go to PostSecret.com, I will indefinitely end up crying. I don't know why, but that site just has that effect on me. It's heart-wrenching, makes me feel as though the problems I have aren't problems at all.

Which is the truth.

Just that I don't like to admit it.

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Cheryl called me today. She asked me to model for Chingay and stuff, because they are looking for pretty faces belonging to non-skinny people.
It's a scam.
They are trying to tell me that I'm morbidly obese by putting me on national display.
In my mind, pretty and non-skinny equates fat and non-hideous.

Lies, all lies.

I walked past Alley Bar the day before, and there's this Taka Jewellery flagship store on the way to Centrepoint. Kenz Lim tried to sell me some diamonds.
What I wanted to convey is that I do not feel guilty for wasting his time and pretending I have an intention to purchase a $23 189 diamond ring.
(Like what are you talking about, I already have a Cartier one.)
I told him I wanted a 7 carat diamond and I swear I saw a glistening glimmer of hope in his eyes.
Ultimately, I walked out of the place saying my dad will give him a call another day.

I felt like Paris Hilton. Without the jail term.

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I want this cake for my birthday!
Anyway, this is what my Dior Gaucho looks like, only in black.

If I have this in real life, you know I've made it.

I used to like the Chloe Paddington. Until Singapore liked it too.

2007-11-24T05:05:00.000-08:00

It's about time 'A' Levels are over and done with.
This:

is history.

I just want to tell you how happy I am with life now. I mean, I feel I've accomplished so much more in two shopping days as compared to two studying months.
I made friends with Wendy Tan, a DKNY buyer. And this other malay lady from Christian Dior(Ngee Ann City branch), though I forgot her name.
I already made it to the Fendi and Dior mailing lists, and I'm aiming to become a Club 21 member(spend at least $500 in a single receipt) which isn't too hard as compared to a Dior VIP member(spend $30 000 in a year).

I made a special trip down to Hilton shopping gallery yesterday, and Four Seasons Hotel's Club 21 stores. Since then, I've decided to adore Stella McCartney's creations. This sales assistant at Club 21 Ladies tried to get me to buy a Stella McCartney pure silk kimono dress in navy. I love it, but it cost $1100. It's perfectly fine for a Stella McCartney to cost $1100 but if I was going to buy a $1100 dress, I'm better of at Fendi, Chloe or Dior.

So anyway, I've decided to abandon any wishes of getting the Mulberry Bayswater or Tod's Besonville. Instead, I'll aim for the THE bag that is the Chanel 2.55(in black with gold hardware). Now this is a worthy investment.
Of course a mere Chanel can't beat the Hermes Birkin(average of $15 000). But if I could afford an Hermes Birkin, I would't be sitting in front of my computer. I'd be touring NYC and Milan.

By the way, I just wanted to add that my father is a good man:

You know how people collect stickers, stamps, thrash whatever?
I'm going to start a collection.
Yes, I'm going to collect designer bags.
So far, I've got two Calvin Kleins, two Fendis, two Diors, one Michael Kors, one Coach, one Ralph Lauren, one Gucci and three DKNYs.

I'm not extravagant.
I'm not hedonistic.
I'm not decadent.
I'm not lavish.
You can't call me these just because I collect designer paper bags.

My black Gaucho is a beautiful bag.
IN YOUR FACE.

2007-11-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

Dior Gaucho.
DKNY dress.
Michael Kors peep-toe.

Chanel...

Shopping has never been better.
Especially with my newfound freedom.

Next stop:
Hilton Hotel
Mandarin Shopping Gallery
Palais Renaissance

London and New York. (Just kidding.)

2007-09-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

I wish I was pretty.
And skinny.
Real skinny.

Not slim.
SKINNY LIKE STICK-THIN.

2007-09-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

Jenna you pwnzxzxzxzx!

(Didn't kiss.)

2007-09-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME,
I'MMA TAKE YOU ON A TRIP BACK TO THE PAST.

Crescent Hockey:

Crescent Class (Sec 2 to Sec 4):

First 3 Months in RJC:

2007-09-01T02:30:00.000-07:00

CONTEMPT

Everytime I set my mind to stick to my diet, it never works. Everytime I set my mind to study, it never works.

Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

I WANNA PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR.

I'm telling you, this is life.

2007-08-07T22:19:00.000-07:00

The falcon soars through the air and over the mountains, and shortly after, it falls down all the way..
No one heard anymore about it.

You, please take care. There's a person for everyone and she's not for you. Unless of course, you want to ruin your life, break your heart and end up killing yourself for what you perceived as love, all because you didn't heed what others warned you about, and DATE A SLUT.

You, please take care. Death comes to everyone, it just sucks that it happened to you. Take it in your stride and live with the memory of him. I'll be here if you need me.

Why, Rachel?
WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU STOP EATING?

Food, is the root of all evil. I am pro-anorexia, but everytime I make a heartfelt comment like, "I want to be anorexic", people jut look at me and laugh like I just cracked a very funny joke.

Funny thing is, I'm serious. Way serious.
In 4 months time, I aim to lose twenty KG. If I could, I would, and you'll see. I could attribute it to all sort of reasons, like no money, need to lose weight for prom, to get my fitness back, 'A' levels, confidence and all that jazz. I don't care how I do it.

I MUST STOP eating.
Today, I will start with 100 situps, I'll do this every night. Followed by a strict diet of ONE ham sandwich only. For the whole day. For 100 days.
I don't care what it takes, Iim going to be 40KG even if it takes my life away.

I'm sick of people coming up to me and telling me I grew fatter, put on weight, look a bit rounder.
Fuck you, like I didn't ever look into the mirror. I appreciate their concern, but in a couple of months time, I'll be able to disappear behind a thin pillar.

You and I, just both have to wait a little while.
The magic shall manifest itself soon.

"Hell and night, have brought this monstrous birth to the world's light"
Or whatever Iago said.

The question is, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST FAT PEOPLE?

2007-07-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

SLUT ALERT

I never knew you until this year. Whatever I know is haunting me. I can't get the image out of my head, of you being a whore.
Why? The you I remembered was not even half as indecent as the you today. Why have you become like that?

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO FUCKING DESPERATE?
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SUCH A WHORE?
WHY THE FUCK DO I KNOW YOU?

I regret knowing you at all, not that I can change anything in the past. But presently, you're disgusting.
All that shit about bleeding tears and crying blood after JK screwed with you were not even heartfelt, you faking liar. Soon after, you fucked with my friend. You literally FUCKED with him.

FLAMING WHORE.
I swear, if I can help it, I won't even say hi to you.
You're disgusting.
You're lucky I don't hate you yet, or your news will fill The Newpaper.
I am so disgusted with you, like fuck.

You thought you could trust the guy you fucked around with, let me tell you the ugly truth. You can't trust someone you FUCKED AROUND with.

Didn't you learn that already from the plethora of guys you've already fucked around with? I can even name them for you, I counted around 7, give and take 1. There was only one serious one out of the 7, otherwise you were a whore.

YOU ARE A SLUT.

I pity your new guy. He is blind to what you have done and will do to him.
I hope he screws you. Both you and your life.
You deserve it.
SLUT.

2007-06-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

It's not a matter of whether you want to do it or not. Instead, it's a matter of whether you HAVE DONE IT, or not.

SO HAVE YOU?

It really isn't that hard to please Rachel Tang, I promise you. It only takes a Coach bag, or maybe a Tod's or Loewe bag. See, so many choices for you! You can always choose which one you want to buy for me, I'm easygoing.

Anyway, recently, en route to slumber, I decided to refine my taste. I used to think that I would settle for ANY bag. But you know what? It's just not true now.
I realised that I don't want a Louis Vuitton bag ever, and Gucci bags are hardly nice. Celine seems low-fashion to me, and Balanciaga is WAY overrated. Jimmy Choo bags are low class simply because it has a Singaporean undertone. As for Yves Saint Lauren bags, I used to love them, but I realised I hate the shape of most of the bags. Fendi bags are nice, their fur collection is luxe, but they are the most imitated and replicated in the world, and it is not acceptable if someone mistakes mine for a fake. And Bvlgari bags looks like I could make them too.

NO NO NO.
Nightmare.

In conclusion, I'll choose these ANYDAY, ANYWHERE:
Loewe (I love!)
Bottega (Most Luxe!)
Chanel (Classic choice!)
Tod's (Practically awesome!)
Miu Miu (Great designs!)
Prada (Classic choice!)
Coach (Affordable!)
Chloe
Dior
Hogan
Ferragamo
Burberry

Maybe there are some more but these are the ones on top of my mind now.

I WANT TO OWN ALL THE SHOPS IN PARAGON, PALAIS RENAISSANCE, HILTON SHOPPING GALLERY AND DFS GALLERIA!
I want my very own Teenage Tycoon!
No, I want to be a Teenage Tycooon!

Speaking of which, I may not have decided from where should my Wedding gown hail from, but indeed I have set my mind on a Cartier wedding band.
No Tiffany & Co., no Bvlgari, no Chopard, no rubbish Poh Heng, Soo Kee and Lee Hwa.

NO NO NO
Never.

AND NO JIMMY CHOO. Manolo Blahnik, Christian Louboutin, Christian Lacroix are still acceptable. But I was thinking more of Alexander McQueen. Yes! That's where all the gorgeous rosette shoes are.

I think I'm falling in love!

I think I have to name my kids Buck and Cash.

How easy it is to map out your life. Yet, how difficult it is to reach that goal. But like they always say, planning is half the battle won, I'll just sit here in my gloomy blue room planning what I want and will need in future. I'll just have to keep winning half my battles if it's all that I can win.

The rest will soon tumble over.
Maybe someday I will be lucky enough to have a huge wad of cash hit me in the face.
This way, I don't mind getting hit over and over again.

The smell of money is an aphrodisiac, even better than oysters, chocolates and Gucci Rush.

Lace, you're the only one who shares this vision with me. Someday, we'll take over Jamie Cuaca, Georgia Lee and Paris Hilton...

-
-
-
I was thinking of what I want to be in future. I want a job that keeps the cash rolling in, I want a job which I will enjoy.

Fuck you Rachel, everybody wants this job.

I thought maybe I could crave a niche in Private or Investment Banking, because that's where the cash is. Or maybe try building my own property and house, like Charli Tong Jiayi's father. Or open a shoe boutique selling RACHEL TANG shoes priced at a thousand bucks per pair not inclusive of the box and GST.

All these, are nothing but dreams.

Maybe I'll just settle for an editor's job in a good magazine like Female or Elle. No Seventeen and Lime and all that jazz. I want Rock! And Rocks! And Bucks! And Cash!

You can call me materialistic. If I was born rich, I probably won't be half as money-loving as I am now. Gee, one thousand dollars to Paris Hilton means nothing more to her than a cup of water to me..

Lace, you're my only friendddddd....

2007-05-23T06:46:00.000-07:00

I don't care what their thoughts are on this, but I have, on my own accord, added myself in to the rugby boys' crowd. That said,

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS.

IN YOUR FACE.

RAFFLES WILL BE DEFEATED MY FLUFFY ASS.

ACSIB played very well, I must admit, and for a moment, I thought they were going to take it all away.
Well done, guys.

On another note,
HEY BITCH! FOUND THAT IMPORTANT PIECE OF PAPER YET?
MAYBE IT'S IN YOUR MOTHER'S ASS.
OR MAYBE I TORE IT UP AND BURNT IT.
MAYBE.

I still wish I slammed you into the crossbar.

2007-05-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

Forget hockey.
It's over.

RJ-SA 24-15
Facing ACSIB this Wednesday.
Whatever the result,
I LOVE JED.

So anyway, the game's over but the war has just begun. You want to stoop to this level, I'LL PLAY WITH YOU.

I tore it up, and burnt it.
NOW WE'LL SEE HOW YOU LAY YOUR FINGERS ON IT YOU FUCKING BITCH.

I dreamt of slamming your fuckface into the crossbar.
I regret not doing it.

2007-05-15T04:03:00.000-07:00

YOU.
YOU WATCH IT.
YOU ONLY HAVE TO CROSS MY PATH ONE MORE FUCKING TIME AND I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN.
EVEN IF I'M GOING TO HELL, YOU'RE COMING ALONG.

2007-05-13T06:23:00.000-07:00

"Mind games versus truth"

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
It's all about you, Jesus.

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth.

Church was a spiritual enlightenment. It's been such a long time since I felt this way. I love Jesus.
I felt my faith in HIm grow stronger, felt like I'm drawing even nearer to him than I did a year ago. Today, I have confidence.
HE WILL BRING US UNTO GRACE AND GLORY.

ANd even if he didn't, it's planned for me. I am ready.
I feel more ready than I did last year.
Of course I'm not saying being ready is equivalent to triumph. But I know it wouldn't hurt so bad if we lost. Not to me this year, no.

2007-05-12T03:59:00.000-07:00

So stressed.
I really didn't want to meet sa. I really didn't.
But we're not good enough to beat vj.
Ohwell.
Looks like I'm not destined to play a schools' finals.

Boo.

I need to sleep 20 hours a day.

2007-05-12T03:54:00.001-07:00

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold
You hold

2007-05-12T03:47:00.001-07:00

IN YOUR FACE.

2007-05-12T03:20:00.000-07:00

"In reply, clear."

Yes, I have been a hypocrit. Ever think of the fact that I tried to be nice?
Season is season, school is school. I fight for what I want. It's only right. After season, we're friends again.
NJ does not have this problem with us, VJ does not have this problem with us. AC does not have this problem with us. It's only you.
Why? Aren't we all fighting for the same championship?
Or is VJ, NJ and AC playing a different league. I love Alee as much as I love Melly. I love Ahma as much as I love Tracy. I love Nut as much as I love Francine.

I speak for myself, not my team. I want to win Saints mainly because we lost to you last year. BIG DEAL. Remember how we lost to STC or ST Nicks last time and we just want to come back stronger? SAME THING. It's merely inter-school rivalry.
Don't just assume I am dissing your school because I am a sore loser or I am SCARED to meet you guys. Obviously, you guys have a good team. A very good team. From Nadrah to Melly to Nut to Winnie to Roxanne. You guys are better than us, and I'm actually telling you this.
We start this match off as underdogs. We are not trying to say we are better than you.
What is karma?
If what goes around comes around, since we lost last year, won't this year be your turn?
No, because both of us are going to fight just as hard as each other. Friendly competition? We cheer for other teams not because we don't want you in the competition. It's because we don't want to meet you guys. You can assume that we are scared or we don't want to lose, anything up to you. BY THE WAY, cheering for another team is not jeering.
Is that clear.

The reason for my post is because I am not happy that our friendships have disintegrated. Did I purposely go to RJ just so I can meet you guys in the A Division in the near future?
A good question you have to ask yourself.

HYPOCRISY.
You dare say you have none?

I admit I do and I am. What say you?

I'm not trying to pick a fight with any of you.
I only want Crescent back.
Can?

Maybe it's the way I phrased my post, maybe you were oversensitive.
Maybe.
I swore because I don't want to meet SA in the semis. Maybe its because I don't want to lose to you guys again. Maybe.

One more thing: you have to admit that some people who attend mass or chapel or whatever you call it, aren't true to Him. I speak from experience, but I try.

You really didn't have to misunderstand me.
Friend no?

If you're still not satisfied, you can always ask for a clearer explanation.

2007-05-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

"ALL I NEED IS YOU LORD"

FUCKING BLOODY MOTHER ASS SHIT.
GOT TO FUCKING MEET SAINTS AGAIN.
FUCKING SHIT.
(INSERT MORE SWEAR WORDS AND CUSSING HERE)

I wish it didn't turn out like that.
I wish our EX-CRESCENTIAN HOCKER friendshit could withstand the pressure of a season apart.
But you know what?
NO.
'Cause all of us are not strong enough to stay true to history.
From potong pasir to bishan to dover to east coast to bukit timah..
MENTAL STRENGTH?
ZERO.

It's ok if nobody has no idea what I'm rambling about, but if IN ANY EXTRAORDINARY CASE you do, congratulations. JUST MAYBE you'll win A Division 2007.

Father, I don't believe you have forsaken me. I will never doubt your faith and blessings in me. I just hope and wish and pray to you once again that you will stand by me. I know that I cannot compete with the strength of a whole junior college's mass and hymns, but I have faith in your almighty greatness and I will not stop trusting you to let us have the moment that we have been longing for. Father, I have been sincere and I will be sincere. Please don't ignore my calling for you, please answer my prayers and please bless us. Please give us your guidance and wisdom. It's you I live for and it's in your grace I walk in. Put us in your favour, God, for the true sincerity in a few will triumph over the facade hundreds put up.

We love you, we need you.
In the name of Christ I call out to you and pray,
AMEN.

2007-04-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

"Ya gon' make me lose mah mind, up in 'ere, up in 'ere"

We didn't play Innova well. But I got past my day pretty well. Licked Eric Lee's boot a bit during geog tutorial, sucked up to Adeline Tan a bit during econs tutorial.
Yeah, that's basically it.

No more skipping lessons or school at all in 2007. None of it. If I do, I pay myself a hundred bucks. It's perfect. I want to receive, yet I don't want to pay. So if I don't skip lessons, I won't lose out either way.

ANYWAY.

Here are 10 things NOT to get me for my birthday come June:
1. Shampoo, Conditioner, bath soap and any of that sort. Unless it's from Loccitane.
2. Empty photoframe.
3. Wallet.
4. Notebook.
5. Socks.
6. T-shirts.
7. Chocolates.
8. A book.
9. A pet.
10. Earrings.

Here's 10 things you SHOULD get me for my birthday come this June:
1. Balanciaga Motorcycle bag. (everyone has it, but it'll still PWN your LV Speedy)
2. Louis Vuitton or Yves Saint Laurent Platforms. (I accept CalvinKlein's too)
3. A Gucci mini dress.
4. Chanel anything, I like the bangles.
5. Black Miu Miu bag.
6. Ipod video.
7. Zara vouchers, any amount.
8. Takashimaya vouchers, any amount.
9. Ralph Lauren Romance Limited Edition
10. Money. A lot of money.

2007-04-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

Two things:
1. I'm sorry, Jed.
2. I lost my stick.

2007-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

MOTHERFUCKING BLOODY FUCK.

BLAME BLAME BLAME BLAME BLAME.
See the M-E in B-L-A-M-E?
YEAH YOU TOTALLY MAKE FULL USE OF IT.

FUCK.

NO FRIENDS NO LIFE
And now, NO YOU.
WHOOOOOO, GROW MY LIST OHKAY?

I WANT TONG JIAYI'S HOUSE.
I WANT A DOG.
I WANT MONEY.
I WANT ALOT OF TIME.
I WANT TO GO TO USA AND STAY THERE.
I FUCKING WANT TO BE HAPPY.

Martin Luther King said "I have a dream"
YEAH AND IT FUCKING DOESN'T INVOLVE ME.
WHAT DREAM.
FUCK THAT DREAM.

I'm not living a tragedy.
I prefer to call it a comedy.
I'm the butt, I'm the ass.

FUCK.

AND IF YOU THINK I'M ANGSTY OR WHATEVER YOU VOCABULARY PERMITS YOU TO CALL ME, I DON'T REALLY CARE.
WHOOHOOANDFUCKYOU.

2007-04-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

It sure doesn't seem like it's working out. I've been toiling for many months now. I don't know how many more times I can take the blame. I don't know how many more times I want to take the blame.

I have no one to talk to, about my problems. About you, about things.
Maybe sometimes, I just have to, only I can't.
And it's tearing me up inside?

I don't know.
Till I do, we'll live like this. Miserable, angry and unjustified.

I see Angel staring at me, looking as though I've always been in the wrong. I don't want to be in the wrong. I never do. Somehow, I always am. Even when someone else apologises, it's my fault.
I know it is. But I don't want it to be.

Give me back my fantasy.
I'm not happy.
I know I keep harping on it, but it hasn't changed. I'm still not happy and I still want to be.

The structure of this entry is in pieces, it's not carefully strung together, sentence weaving into sentence. It's just thoughts, you know? Thoughts of a worn out mind, of someone unwilling to give up, but is soon throwing in the towel. Me.
I am not perfect, I know.
I can't live with someone who is always or even often pointing out my imperfections to me.

Why?
Why do these things happen? Postsecret.com makes me cry. I make me cry. You just add yourself to this list.
Crying is not a solution, but it makes me feel better. I like letting my emotions be known. Maybe that's my fatal flaw.

Or maybe my flaw is you.
I hate math.

2007-03-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

"Y'all gon make me lose ma mind, up in here, up in here"

It's late and I just came out of the shower. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to brainstorm an entire essay on what I want to say to YOU when I've made up my mind to confront YOU.

Leader?
No, only Heartbreaker.

The million dollar question is,
Who's relationship will you try to ruin at your next try?

-
-
-
I had an awesome talk with Andrea today. She provided me with more insights. I'm glad I got to connect with another one of my teammates on a deeper level. I'm glad I agreed to take time out to help her. I'm glad I am me. I'm glad I'm not a slut.

I'm sorry for many things, I regret doing many things, I often wished I was better than who I am.
But one thing's for sure, I will never regret being real, being me, and hence disliking you for your despicable ways.

Again and as always, I love Jed.

See, for me, there's only one. There isn't a primary school one, a secondary school one, a junior college one, a varsity one, a workplace one, and an extra one.

Fuck, I want to pluck your hair out strand by strand. It's a noble thing to do, it'd make Singapore a better place.
No, seriously, it really would.

It's almost as noble as being anorexic to salvage World Hunger. I'd do that, would you?

2007-03-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

"I pray for this heart to be unbroken."

I'm an insomniac. I cannot deal with life. I am not training well. My heart is beating irregularly. I will probably not play a good season.

AND I STILL FUCKING HATE YOU.
I don't know why, despite my tight schedule, I am still able to find time to dislike you. Maybe you really are that despicable..

Lately..
We haven't been doing well.

What if I give up?
I'm not sure I am strong enough to carry this whole on my shoulders. I'm only fit for half.
Help.
I'm crying for help.

I don't mean to be so emotional.
But I really am not happy.

I LOVE LORRAINE MY BUDDYBUDDY.

2007-03-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

"Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart. If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world"

OMG I WENT TO SMOKE AND SHISHA AND CLUB AND GOT DRUNK AND MADE OUT WITH 98436523045 GUYS AND HAD SEX WITH THEM AND WENT TO SMOKE AND SHISHA AND CLUB AND GOT DRUNK AND MADE OUT WITH THEM AGAIN AND OMG I'M THE FUCKING COOLEST PERSON ON MOTHER EART BECAUSE I AM DIFFERENT AND I DARE TO RISK AIDS BY BEING PROMISCUOUS.

Fuck you, you're not cool. All of you who have found yourselves even merely thinking this way deep down inside your heart.

Like, for example, YOU.
And YOU.

-
-
-

I wish I was born thin. Not lean, not slim, thin. There would be so much potential for everything else if I was anorexic. Maybe not, but I still want to be stick-thin. I am not pro-anorexia, unless it's for myself. I am pro-liposuction though, and I believe that I will someday step into the operating theatre for this reason alone.
I will never go for plastic surgery on the face, nor any boob augmentation procedure, but I will be stick-thin even if by medical means.

Whatever, beaver.

I met up with my ex-crescent team mates. I love them. They are not fuckers who are trying to get laid at a club or desperately trying to fit in by smoking. I am not against smoking, actually I am, but I am more against the social purpose behind doing so. I don't think it's ethical, I don't think it's good, I don't like it. But I won't demonstrate against it, I will merely stand for my cause.

Like I said, I love them. Shisha is redundant to life, and I love them. Alot of us are attached now, it's all part and parcel of life. Francine, Ahma, Nut, Kavina, Gladys, Liyuan, Me, whoever else... I loved talking to them and laughing together. Maybe we weren't as close as we all were in the past, but I know they are friends you can talk to all your life. Even if it means reminiscing about our B'Div days only. It's a timeless thing to do.

Two March Twenty-thirds already, we're waiting for next year's. Maybe there will be even greater change.

An interesting thing I noted: Nut Francine and I became experts on rugby over a little conversation we had. Maybe it's because of our common 'extra-cca'.

I'll try to be cooler this entry and type a 'hahahaha'.
Hahahaha.

I LOVE YOU LACE AND I WANNA MEET YOU TOMORROW TO DISCUSS DIET PLANS AND BITCH ABOUT SLUTS IN OUR LIVES AND WHO HAS THE NEWEST CHANEL BAG AND STUFF.
Remember, beauty is stick-thin!

2007-02-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

I hate being so worn out.
I hate that I feel like sleeping every night and dying every morning.

I HATE LIFE AND STUDYING AND SEASON AND SHIT.
Not you Vanessa, just the things that happen in society.

You think I tend to take the word 'society' for granted?
Well, up to you. At least I don't take the other S-word for granted. I mean it.
The other S-word.
You don't know which one?
Let me give you a clue.
SLUT.

Anyway, I wanted to announce that I won in a reality show. It's even better than Who Wants to be a Millionaire or The Amazing Race. It's called Life, and I won.

How?

This is how I won:

That's how I won. And that wasn't even the prize.
Who needs a prize when the process is this?

Life still sucks but at least I have him.

2007-02-10T08:17:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day is going to be such a _____ day.
I don't know, haven't been there, I can't say.

Jed decided to dedicate me a song - Bodies by Drowning Pool.So we're going to dedicate pointless and irrelevent songs to each other on that day. I'm dedicating him Civil War by Guns N Roses.

Oh well, we love each other THIS much. Choice of songs don't really matter.

ANOREXIA HERE I COME.

2007-02-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'M GOING TO BE 40KG COME END OF FEBRUARY.

STICK THIN STICK THIN STICK THIN!

FAT KILLS.

2007-02-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

I miss loud hiphop/R&B blasting. I miss the dancefloor. I miss my clubbing khakis.

I MISS YOU LACE.
No, really. You're the only one who can tolerate my bitching and add a few lines in as well.

Your humps your humps your humps.

-
-
-
Shit, I hate myself.

I want you next to me.
Give me back my fantasy.

I really think I should write lyrics.
Maybe I could submit some grade D ones to Taufik or Sylvester. Worst come to worst, give Narpal.

Alright, the last line was Singlish.
Which I disapprove of, in writings.

I still hate the slut.

2007-02-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes love just ain't enough.

Can you please don't leave me alone by the roadside, feeling somewhat swallowed by the city lights at 9pm far from home? The thought of looking on at your back blurred with tears in my eyes despairs me more than a slit on my wrist can heal.

No, I will not kill myself.

But give me an incentive to live?

I refuse to waste my life by smoking and drowning my cliched sorrows in alcohol. Don't force me back into the dark hole I lived in during my crescent days.

FUCKING HELL I WANT TO BE ANOREXIC.
STICK THIN STICK THIN STICK THIN.
LACE, YOU AND ME.
WE'LL BE 40KG SOON.
AND THAT'S WHEN WE CAN LAUGH AT MEDIUMS AND LARGES.

-
-
-
There's a SLUT in school whom I told Jed about. And he's sympathetic. That SLUT will get AIDS someday and I hope it eats up that poor excuse for a brain. Oh wait, WHAT EXCUSE?

Sore lack of integrity, airheaded-ness, fucked up mindset and whore-ish ways. These qualities define your person. And a person like you deserve to be gangbanged and left to die in a fire.
Whore.

SLUT.

-
-
-

I'm an angsty kid. But not one without reason. I have kept stuff inside me for four whole years, if not more, trying desperately to be the nice person that society tried to coerce me into becoming. I was a nice person. But I don't feel real anymore. Tonight is one of those nights where I just feel like swallowing Gin to feel my throat burn. I want to drink Heineken to feel as though my life is less bitter than it factually is. I want triple sec just for the kick of it. I want to be cool, I want to be accepted, I want to be happy.
I WANT TO STAB THE RESIDENT SCHOOL SLUT.

But you can't always get what you want. (The Rolling Stones)

I think I should write songs for Hossain's and Narpal's band. I'm so emotional, I really think I should. OR I could take part in Talentime and sing Good Charlotte's songs. I could mock all you suckers who still live in the simple-plan-is-cool era. I could, I should, then I would.

Fuck.
I need to be happy.
Where's my money?

2007-01-07T23:37:00.000-08:00

It's a monday afternoon and I just want to curl up on the bed with Pride and Prejudice and read until I fall asleep. Alone.

Until you call me.

Bitch.
Award winner talked to me today. I hate the sight of her.

2007-01-05T02:30:00.000-08:00

``slutslutslut

I regret.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

So many things to say, no chance to.

I want to quit hockey.

2007-01-04T05:27:00.000-08:00

You're a slut.

You tear other people up, and make them break up with their girlfriends so you can satisfy your temporary lust for act-coolness and materialism. You screw around with other people in the midst of a relationship and expect to be respected.

If I wanted to swear at you, I suppose you have complete idea of which words I will you.
What comes after the letter 'E'?

HOCKEY PLAYER.

2006-12-30T06:03:00.000-08:00

I thought we agreed.
I thought..

It would be better.

All the food in the world won't fill me up with what I yearn for - happiness.
The one peace in my heart that I can only retrieve from the lord.

Take me away, but give me back my fantasy.

2006-12-23T05:47:00.000-08:00

``From the view inside a policecar

I thought everyone deserved a second chance.
But I was not given one.
And I had to learn it the hard way.

God, please take me back. Cleanse me and forgive me, I'm ready to come back.

2006-12-19T06:58:00.000-08:00

I wish I was back with the Crescent Hockers again.
I thought I loved Raffles.
Maybe I don't.
Maybe I merely like it.
But I want my old hockey team back.

And, so much more.

Where are the things which were supposed to be mine?
Why are there so many redundant people in my life?

Am I an emo kid?
Yes.
Because very often, I just want to sit in a corner and cry about the things I don't have, cry about the things I have, and cry about the things I will have. There's more to life than crying, but I don't want anything more than what I want to have.

For example, I want you and you and you, but I don't want you and you.
But ALL of you are in my life.
I want to cry.
If I could get rid of you by crying, Singapore would be Underwater World. That's how much I want you out of my life.

Yes, I need Good Charlotte and Simple Plan to play on my lawn now.
I'm emo kid.

-
-
-

Watched Charlotte's Web with Jed. I liked it, and I kinda teared. Cried. Whatever.

2006-12-19T06:36:00.000-08:00

Why I love life: There's Jed.

Why I hate life: Everything else.

No, seriously, everything else. Even a Balenciaga bag won't change that.

2006-12-14T01:15:00.000-08:00

Just fifteen minutes more and I'll be up and about again, leaving my cosy crib to lose myself in some club training. Hockey is my life, but I didn't expect to live like a sailor travelling everyday when I said I would commit.

I love hockey. I love training hard and seeing my efforst pay off when tournament knocks at my doors. I love the adrenaline rush I feel when I score a goal. I love making a good pass and watching my team mate continue the road to goal glory.

But there are so many other aspects to this beautiful game that are forsaken in RJ Hockey. I am only third in Command, maybe fourth at times. And being a mere vice-captain hoping for miracles but having no say in arrangements isn't exactly helping my team. I am not helpful. I can only look back at my days in Crescent Hockey and wish I had an awesome coach and captain.

A pity it doesn't seem so to me.

I hate to be so rotten, as I find I'm always full of opinion, sarcastic remarks, condescending talk and more often than not, I'm often full of myself. I know it. I hate this side of me, and I guess I can no longer blame society for the way I've churned out. I can no longer say that Crescent made me who I am, I cannot say that my surroundings molded my character because that is not true. I have been resillent to influences, especially negative ones.
So who else can I blame for the personality I've developed?

Rachel Tang, it's all your fault.

I EFFING HATE YOU. YOU, THAT ONE WHO GETS ON MY NERVES JUST BY SMILLING, THAT ONE WHO CANNOT STOP ACTING LIKE A DRAMA QUEEN AND PLAYING AROUND WITH GUYS AND GIRLS FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE AND LEAVING THEM HEARTBROKEN. YOU, THE ONE PERSON WHOM I ABSOLUTELY DETEST YET STICKS IN MY LIFE LIKE AN EFFING PARASITE.

I'm sick and tired of being nice to you, so I won't. Not anymore. I don't respect you, as a person. In fact, I despise you from the very bottom of my heart.

Like my thoughts even matter to you. You're probably going to find another poor soul to cheat on a couple of months later.
Wretch.

2006-12-01T04:31:00.000-08:00

I want more time to myself. To think, to reflect, to remember, to imagine, to realise.

Deep down inside, I know I've a pretty rotten heart. And most of the time, I'm just trying to suppress this side of me. But as time go by, it's getting harder to be an angel that family and society expect you to be.
There are so many things I want to prevent, so many people I want to stab, so many things I want to say, but if I do any of these, I'm no longer the person I am and want to be.

And they say girls are hard to figure...

I can only wonder why.

2006-11-13T02:21:00.000-08:00

My beloved.

Hang on, please?

2006-11-13T01:21:00.000-08:00

Please don't turn your back on me.

It's alright
I'm ohkay
I think God did explain..

No.
It's not alright, I'm not ohkay.
I want to be happy.
With you.

2006-10-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

And I ask God, what am I hanging on to, what's the purpose of these things happening?

And I wished I heard and understood his reply.

2006-07-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

I always tell myself that I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
You are a nice person.
I like you.

WHO THE FUCK AM I TRYING TO KID.
You suck more than my vacuum at maximum power. The things you do, only some know. When and if they get out(of me), you're going to eat dust like you never did before.

2006-06-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

Some days ago, I asked Hans if he knew Paul Twohil, one of the Singapore Idol contestants. I thought he would know Paul since both came from the same alma mater(Catholic High).

The phone text-conversation was as followed:
Me: Hey, do you know Paul twohil?
Hans: Yeah I know him. We're friends but not close friends. And no I am not helping you to get his autograph unless you pay me.

!@#$%^&
Which part of my sentence talked about an autograph?
Why the strawberry shortcakes would I pay Hans when he owns a private bowling alley and a 847365 squarefeet sofa?

Tskfulguy@RJ.com

2006-06-26T02:43:00.000-07:00

GRACEEE.

It's so painful everytime I read what you write, yet I still do. Any season, any Crescent line-up is different without you. I refuse to download Skpe even though it;s the only way to contact you, snail mails aside. I don't know why, neither do I know when I will relent. I guess I just refuse to settle for half. I am selfish, I want you back here, in Singapore.
Tskkkk, why can't canadian vacations last a year long.

-

Refusal to leave my bed has caused me to miss two papers today - Econs and Chinese. Think I care?
Well, yeah, in a way, because it's the closest way to gauging myself before promos. But since it's not counted at all, being the slack person that I am, I am once again doing less and taking the easier way out. Good news is, I'll be missing geog tomorrow as well.
Life as we like it.
Lately, Shakespeare has been less ambiguious than public opinion. I am beginning to understand and hence appreciate his work. Not a lot, just a little, but nonetheless. On the other hand, Joseph Conrad is making me want to rewrite history - to cause an even bigger genocide than any civil war. I want to silence him, his mouth and his pen. I hate the way he "illuminates darkness" or "clarifies ambiguity", oxymoron much?
Too much.

By the way, I haven't done math at all, since I left Crescent, since my O'level E Math paper.

2006-06-24T01:20:00.000-07:00

To be very frank, I didn't like this June at all. Despite having had a very special birthday, June still sucks, in my opinion.
What is a holiday?

Something I need to find out. My time was spent on the redundant U18 tournament, and many desperate but futile attempts at studying for the impending Common Tests.

But one thing good came out of this June.

CRESCENT CLUB VS JANSENITES
1-0

CHAMPIONS IN OUR HEARTS, CHAMPIONS IN REALITY.

This year, I want to be happy.
Next year, I want to win.
This time, I like you.
Next time, ..

2006-06-06T06:28:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is a special day. Tomorrow, I will start studying for Common Tests.

Oh my strawberry shortcakes, what did I just say?

Had a really long talk with Shit today while Laila copied her math notes. Really, this week has been a spiritual awakening for me. Things, matters, problems came to me as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formally surcharge-free ATM. I wished I didn't know some stuff, but I guess, it was time for me to wake up and take a closer look at my surroundings and the people who are in it.

You know what's a lie?
It is the basis of the society that I dislike so very much.
Why can't people be real, and tell the truth when they need to?

On a sidenote:

It's so easy to lose yourself in one of Guns N Roses' guitar riffs. I don't know why so many of you can't indulge in them the way I do. But I'm telling you, it's awesome.
I'm beginning to love Estranged, the opening riff is beyond beautiful, even if it's only a few seconds long.

I'm fhungry. But food's too far away.
JUST LIKE YOU GRACEEE.

2006-06-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

I'll be there when I need to.

2006-06-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

God gave you to me, come back.
='.(
And suddenly, you're not in my life anymore. I'm really sorry it took so much time for it to really set in. There are so many things I want to tell you, but I can't because I'll cry in front of you. I am guilt-striken for not giving you a proper goodbye. I hate myself for that.
I know you will tell me you understand, but it can't stop me from being apologetic. I really hope you will read this, Grace, because there's no other way for me to talk to you anymore. I know I wasn't always the greatest friend/teammate that you can ever have, I know that there's so much more I can do for you.

This season was bad. I wanted to win so much that I forgot what was truly precious - you. I didn't want to talk to you for a day or two because I was so bitter with the loss. A day or two evolved into a week or two. And all too soon, you had to go. I know it's your decision and I deeply respect you for that.

I just want you to know that I love you and we will always be part of the Greatest VI in our hearts.
Fuck separation.

-
-
-
To hear, and know, that you don't care is as good as ramming your toe into a table leg.
It fucking hurts.

2006-05-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

I hate the Bintan CCAL trip.
It's a trip to the third world.
Sick.

And I'm in E1.
Like who the hell is in E1.
Certainly no one I know.
Sick.

And I'm still fugly.
Sick.

Life sucks.
I hate society.
Sick.

2006-05-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Air-conditioner blowing directly at me and apple in hand, I'm sitting in front of my laptop thinking, Starsailor's Four to the Floor playing.

Michael keeps trying to talk to me despite my futile attempts at ignoring him.

These few days haven't exactly been the best time of my life. We lost to the undeserving Saints in both Rugby and Hockey, I couldn't turn up for Saturday's training due to unforeseen circumstances, I couldn't last half an hour in school today, and now I am bleeding. My face is blotchy, my throat is sore, my arms are scarred and my heart hurts.
I have emotional constipation and I am in desperate need of a carthasis. But to whom should I purge my feelings to?
Shakespeare?
Here's an emo picture to go along with my sad, sad life:

And the worst part? I have a finale to play tomorrow. I won't use the word 'final' because then it would be a lie. A 'final' is for two teams to play for the Champion's trophy. What I am playing for tomorrow, is third place - slightly lesser shame than fourth.
I don't feel well, yet I have a game tomorrow.

Much as I hate this mindset of mine, I won't be playing for glory tomorrow, simply because there is none. I will be playing for pride and the pain of losing. I can't say that we can't beat NJ, because we did trash them 4-0 at the qualifying stage. But there is this underlying fear of losing in me. It hurt so much to lose at our semi-finals. It would undoubtedly hurt more to lose our last match of the season.
I don't know what to think, and how to approach the game.

I can't think of anything that would cheer me up now, except for another chance to play my semi-finals. But I should face it, second chances don't come easy, and this time not a speck of it would even appear.
I should pick myself up and move on. Captain, vice-captain, or just a team player, the loss is the same.

Jedi just cheered me up. He said he was as cute as his three-year-old sister. That joker sure knows how to lie. =.)

I am not looking forward to the Bintan CCAL trip. While some of my classmates will be having sophisticated fun in the UK Literature Trip, I'll be Literally rotting in the third world, leading my simple life.

Society needs an improvement.
And his name is Kaleni.
Can you imagine that guy in Bintan? Can you imagine him sweating it out in the wilderness?
If money could buy anything, I'd buy a new life. But first, I need to marry that teenage tycoon.

Biggest joke of mankind:

2006-05-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

Randomly random.

LT 1.

Mus and Joan.

Some awesome people.

Last but not least..

FOR YOU ALEEE.

2006-05-20T02:19:00.000-07:00

I broke my promise. I cried again.
I'm sorry, I need more time.

2006-05-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

RJ lost to SA through flicks. Five wasn't enough, we tied all of it. Continued on to Sudden Death.
We lost at the tenth.

Even though SA put up a good fight, even though they were worthy opponents, even though they scored one against us, even though they banged the ball up into our half frequently, even though my beloved ex-team mate swore at me, I will still say we deserved to win more.

But we didn't, and that's why it hurts so badly now.

My faith in God has been tested time and again, for Crescent and for Raffles. And I tell myself over and over that it is meant to be and He has a reason for making things turn out they way they did. But what I want to know is why. And when.

The pain is so intense because I really thought that we had a shot at the Gold despite countless differences. If I did not believe earlier on that we could play for the Champion's trophy, I wouldn't have talked the way I talked, I wouldn't have hoped the way I hoped.
Whatever, it's over. I'll settle for half and aim for fucking third. But next year, we'll be back, and we'll battle for the victory that was meant for us.

And Lord, I'll trust in you once again, as always.

2006-05-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

Father in heaven, I call out to you for your blessings and your favour. Put RJ Hockey in your grace, and guide us to victory.

Amen.

2006-05-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

I know people are probably going to laugh at me if I say I am doing my Econs essay with Careless Whisper as background music. It's true though, and my excuse is that Econs is driving me up the wall.
Still, it's something I'd rather do than !@#$%^\ OTHELLO. Two Lit essays can wipe the entire singaporean society of happiness. Two lit essays can make an average human being suicidal.
Two lit essays - as detrimental to health as Thaddaeus Cheng of AO3B.

"I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythmn"

God bless RJ Hockey. Put us in your favour and give us your grace, bless us with a double gold this year.
Amen.

2006-05-13T00:10:00.000-07:00

I hate society.

I have three essays undone and due, two lit and one econs, and one math assignment. I have my semi finals on Wednesday.

So far, Raffles Hockey has been doing well. But one thing that infuriates me is the fact that Sir has no faith in our short corner. He cancelled out all that we have trained for and put in some impromptu gameplay that is equivalent to improvisation.

I'm still glad we were able to trash NJ to top our table.

RJ-IJ 7-0
RJ-JJ 4-0
RJ-MI 0-0
RJ-AJ 6-0
RJ-NJ 4-0
RJ-CJ 1-0
RJ-SA ?-?

The zeroes say something, don't they?

What will the score be?
I can only pray.

2006-05-05T07:10:00.000-07:00

miserablegal@hotmail.com ohkay?
Ohkay.

So many things annoying me. So many things I wanna say.
But so many times I tried. And so many times I couldn't.

Society is not the root of all evil. Society is evil.

2006-05-03T05:34:00.000-07:00

MI drew AJ.
A shimmer of hope shines upon the Singaporean society.
Just maybe, life does not suck so much.

But it still does, nonetheless.

2006-04-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try my best because I am afraid people like you might bring upon us a downfall.

Father I pray that you will put me in your favour and blessings.
Amen.

2006-04-27T06:11:00.000-07:00

Before today's match, I just about managed to convince myself that Raffles Hockey will be able to win Millenia Institute 1-0 or even 2-0.

It's not like I don't have faith in my team. I do, just not enough. And I believed that if all of us were on form, we could play a game of beautiful hockey.

Alas, I doubt that's going to happen in the near future. If I am not the one screwing things up, someone else is.

I was so utterly annoyed with my frontline today. I sent so many good balls up and they just refused to move. BUT I can't put any blame on them. I didn't start the match well myself, and my play was not flawless either.

Tomorrow, RJ-AJ, CCAB @ 4:30pm.

2006-04-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

I wish I may, I wish I might.
I wish RJ Hockey will win the Champion's trophy this year, 2006.

I want to say that we will prevail and triumph so badly, but I know that it is going to be a long shot. It doesn't help that our short corner has a 100% failure rate. It doesn't help that people like Joel are always saying things like we are going to lose.

And Sir, you are not helping! I do not think that I am a bloody good player.
1)I do not think so.
2)I am nowhere near good.
It's just my opinion that Sir simplifies everything to suit the new hockers to an extent where it lowers the standard that experienced players(i.e. J2s and DSA) play at. We are used to carrying out more complexed gameplans to confuse other equally experienced players. I don't think we are adapting well enough to suit his style of coaching.
Then, it becomes our fault. While he has many more than substantial reasons for playing us the way he is, I still think that we are not prepared to face tougher teams like MI, VJ or SA.

What do I think is 'well-prepared'?
In short, if we can trash the opponent more than 4-0, we are 'prepared' to face them. So far, we were only prepared to take Innova on. Actually, come to think of it, we did not even convert our short corners to goal so we weren't even prepared enough for them. If we did turn half of our short corners into goals, the scoreline would be around 17-0.
Then, it can be truly hailed awesome.

BUT NO. Our conversion rate is still at 0% and our teamplay is like a piece of fermented manure. And I think that it is completely outrageous that Sir does not believe in setpieces. He says it's too rigid, I say he's too inflexible. Without setplays, we are improvising everything we do on the pitch.
And that's bad.

Look at Chelsea. They thrive on setpieces, corner kicks. They come out tops. Look at Sunderland. Nothing, zero, zilch, zip. They are bottom table.
Should we start learning?

-
-
-

Friday was a stupid day. We had a pointless civics lesson, then mock-debate for GP which was superlatively stupid. I hate public speaking, and I hate presenting my views in front of a crowd, no matter how small. Yanyi was superb at taking people down verbally, even though Manpreet and Tea attempted, in vain, to stop her.
-coughloser

Had self-training after lessons ended with Sup, Laila, and to a smaller extent, Joel. I can't do penalty strokes anymore. I can't slice the ball like I used to, I can't 'power' like I used to. I hate myself for losing these two skills. I asked Joel for help and he happily took 3287561029 shots at goal, asking me to look and imitate.
If it was so easy, I would have gone Pro already. TSKKK.

Watched A'Div rugby with half the school after that. Cheered them on like no tomorrow, countering SA's futile tries at boosting their team's morale. "Break a leg, SA!"
I'm sorry, really. Didn't mean it.

Attended Raffles Rock after that. It was a total waste of life. I had a three-minute moodswing after reluctantly paying $7.50 to watch lame RJC people try their hand at fiddling with guitars and mimicking rock vocals. If you have it, flaunt it. If you don't, hide it. The night was very bad, the bands were a waste of skin, and the atmosphere was major suckage. When I witnessed the majestic tragedy of the first few bands coming onstage, I thought to myself, "My life is really a big joke".

No offense, but I think that girls should stick to being groupies and not meddle with 'band stuff'. If you're female, perform female songs.
No offense again, but I think that throughout the entire night and the entire performance, E.I.C. and Spanish Fly were the only bands worth watching.
I'll pretend my expenditure was justified.

By the way, my econs test was a cook up. For the 5 true/false questions, I didn't believe a word of it, so I answered as All False. I'm going to fail, nothing new here.

2006-04-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was meant for our match against Innova JC. All of us were hyped up, psyched up and ready to take them on.
However, hurricane Katrina's cousin Kanasai had to come and waterlog the pitch. They even invited DJ Lightning to turn tables at CCAB. Housepour for that day was rain and Thunder, specially named TYPHOON ON THE PITCH.

Lightning, thunder and rain. Match postponed to the next Wednesday morning.

Yesterday morning, again hyped up, psyched up and all prepared to take Innova on again, we started the match with a couple of the MOST PREPOSTEROUS mistakes ever made. Our frontline gave away 'legs' quite willingly, more than once. Each. I think I came down pretty hard on them because soon after, they redeemed themselves by knocking in a few goals.
Match ended in a 7-0 scoreline, everyone was happy.
Except me.
Why?
SHORT CORNER.
Twenty chances, none succeeded. Short corner squad not working as one unit, forwards forgot to go for post, deflections too off-target. Every mistake in the book, we committed.
Whose fault?
Mine.

After IJ's match, I told myself I will rectify the problem with short corner. I told myself I will knock in a few to redeem myself the next match, which was unfortunately, the very next day against Jurong JC.

Today at 4:30pm, we played JJ. Objectively, we got PWNED by their noob-ness. We lowered ourselves down to their level and played the game to their control. We did not set the standard, we did not convert our skill to goals, we did not follow our gameplan. We just played with them blindly and thrived on luck.
We got banged in the ass, all of us.

Short corner, a !@#$%^-ing huge pain in the ass. Today, albeit lesser opportunities than yesterday, about ten, we still did not manage to convert a single one of them.
Why?
Deflections at the post were inexistant. Rebounds were extinct. And although pull-out was slightly better, the speed needed a lot of improvement. My finishing was not only imperfect, it was outrageous.
With my short corner at this level, I might as well quit hockey and vacation in Hawaii.

RACHEL TANG YOU SUCK.

2006-04-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

It was during Lit tutorial today that I realised, how much of an asshole William Shakespeare was. The ancient old english he uses in his plays overwhelms the common human comprehension ability. I find myself drifting to sleep or idleness during Ng CP's lit slots. I told him he speaks at 300 mph every lesson and my mind only works at 1kb/s, therefore any amount of understanding that I achieve is equivalent to zero.

Lit is not the only subject I have a problem with. (With, not In.) Econs lectures by Helen Tan, in particular, are hilarious but nonetheless annoying. She has no idea where she is pointing on the visualiser, and no idea how much of her paper is actually being projected on the screen. Useless. How to learn? How to understand? How to copy?

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE.
Geog lecture and tutorial or anything to do with the Kamal(Camel). He's got to be one of the worst lecturers there are on planet earth. He has no idea how technology works. He fumbles with his laptop, he screws the projector up, he drops the microphone, yet he can tell us that Globalisation is beneficial to society and all that jazz. I think it takes more convincing.
We had a geog lecture test today. I wrote my name, my class, the date, and then I leant back to survey the LT. Strawberry shortcakes. Everyone else was scribbling shit down. That is, everyone except me. Even Joel, which says a lot. So I tried my luck at the test. You know what, I puked out any scrap of information that I can remember from sec four geog, about ITP Bangalore. But that's about it, so if I get one or more marks, I think I should be pretty pleased with myself.

Math has always been a problem and will always be a problem. I have no desire to attend tutorials, even as H1, and definitely no desire to complete given tutorials/assignments. It's just so mundane. The tutor is awfully sweet, but I think he's too nice that's why I take advantage of him. And that's bad.

These are basically the four main subjects that I take, besides GP and Chinese. In a nutshell.

-

On a more random note, DANIEL WONG THE RUGGER IS MY NEIGHBOUR. Awesome, now I have a touch rugby gal Yanyi, as well as a rugger for neighbours.

-

Season starts tomorrow. No matter what you tell me, I still do not think that we are ready for tournament. BUT IT'S OHKAY. Rachel Tang will rise to the occasion tomorrow and try to get my team to exploit Innova. I'm not saying that RJ will definitely thrash them, hockey like soccer, is unpredictable. Anything can happen. I may not have the best abilities, nor am I playing with the greatest eleven, I will still have faith and belief in my team. I trust that we will have the spirit and the mentality to face those who are awaiting us.

I'm telling you, I want to touch gold.

2006-04-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

Woke up and realised I was strawberry shortcakesly late for the AJ match. The day went downhill after.

I have never played hockey as shitty as today in my entire life, seriously. It was just superlatively bad, so bad that I cried after the game. I mean, it ended in a 3-1 victory, but my game was an exploitation of mankind.

If I was so off on any other day, in any other match, it wouldn't have mattered as much as it did this morning. The reason why I was so upset was because I am off-form three days away from our first match of the season. The way I played today was awfully repulsive, and if I was Sir, I would not put me in First Eleven.

Today, I hate myself very much.

I could say my midfield wasn't helping me. I could say the backline did not play as a unit. But these are merely excuses which are used to delude myself further. Fact is I sucked, and it remains the fact of the day.

=.(

Tomorrow, I will redeem myself in my last match against TPJC. I will prove to myself and anyone who wants to know, that I will not be lowered down to the newbie level again.

Please God, help.